Dear Diary...

Beautiful people, I decided that I wanted to start a new little series of blog posts. It seems like a crazy idea, but it's something raw, true and real life. I did a poll on my Instagram and I feel like this will go perfectly inline with the vast majority of what you all wanted from this page. 

I used to be a BIG journal-er. It would get me through my all of my days. I wish I still did this everyday, but I guess that's kind of what my blog post has become. Anyways, my journal was basically my diary. It outlines my thoughts, what I was going through, how I was handling things. What I want to do is find a few journal entries I wrote, put them each in an individual blog post on here and dig deep and explain how I got through certain things. Maybe someone reading this has gone through something similar and needed that silent help. 

*I will be changing names to respect the privacy of others, but the rest is straight from the notebook


JOURNAL ENTRY 1: NOVEMBER 7 2016

"This journal again? Yes. So much has been put down in this type of journal I figure I might as well record my last year of being a teenager inside as well. 
     Yesterday was my birthday and it didn't really feel like it. I went to Disney and *** surprised me and it was a fun day. The drive home was fun too and I ended up in ***'s car. 
     My mind was wild with dreams last night, and I woke up this morning feeling sad and empty. No reason, I just felt this way" 
(SIDE NOTE: This, ladies and gents was the start of my depression and I had no idea... carry on).
     "I then took a test, came back and showered and cleaned my room. I then creeped way too hard (I'm talking about Instagram here LOL) and it made me a little upset. BUT I am better than that. I miss Orlando. I would like to move back one day, but who knows what the future holds. (SIDE NOTE: I AM MOVING BACK IN MAY!!!!!!) 
     I have just been wanting a boyfriend really bad lately. Someone to love and just hold me. I know the time will come, but still.
     I am going to math class and then grocery shopping (I am trying to eat healthy) and then comp :( But I am off tonight and my work schedule is good this week."
-me 


Ok, this one is short, but it's literally the first page in this book. I have had this exact journal 3 times and each time I used this journal, something big was happening in my life. I got this one my freshman year of college. It was my first time back in Orlando after moving and it was actually really hard for me to come back to Fort Myers. I loved college but it wasn't Orlando. And I LOVE Orlando. I love Disney and all that stuff. I literally spent my senior year of high school at Disney Springs every weekend. Not kidding. 
     I remember my head space at this time and it was just right when I was falling into this weird anxiety/depression phase. I just felt lonely, which is normal when you're in college. At this point I either didn't have a roommate or wasn't close at all with the one I had (she moved out I just can't remember when) but I was just alone. I was just starting to get into the groove of college and figuring out who I was. My mind would wander back to high school and the relationships I had then. The boys I had a crush on and how if I didn't move then they maybe could've worked out. It was a weird and lonely feeling. I wanted a boyfriend so bad. Maybe because I didn't have many friends? Or for the first time in my life I was surrounded by a ton of boys my age in the dorms? But none of those guys paid me any attention and always went for my friends. It was a defeating feeling but I'm glad I was single at this point. Who knows what I would've gotten myself into. I was vulnerable & desperate for just any type of interaction. Again, it was a weird time. 

     I spent many days just going to school and then work. Even though I was just kind of going through the motions physically, I was going through a lot mentally. You'll see further on in later posts that I didn't cope with this well or heal it when I needed to and it ended up crashing down hard at a really bad time. Big life changes can really be tough and being thrown into this new world of college wasn't easy on me. But hey, here I am, still kicking. I made it and therefore this story doesn't have such a bad ending after all.




Make loneliness your BISH

xoxo,

Aub