Insecurity Break Down

"Get my back, not my face. I'm breaking out."

We all have them, insecurities. It's crazy how much you can be told how beautiful you are, how fit you look, how funny you are, yet, we can still somehow find a way to hate these things about ourselves. How do we get past this? How do we find a way to make our mind actually believe what these people are saying? How do we not rip ourselves apart every single time we see a picture of ourselves or look at ourselves in the mirror? Well, it's not easy, and we're going on this journey to find self love together. 

So, I'm going to get real vulnerable. This is pure truth and I am in no way looking for some type of pity party. BUT, here we go. 

To be honest, I have always thought I had a pretty face. I never hated my face. I think mainly because it's something I can't control and so over the years I've learned to love it. You can't change genetics honey. I have some freckles that have always made me unique and people have always told me I have a memorable face. I love that! I love being different and I love standing out from the crowd. And I'm sure we all have that one thing we love about ourselves. We can't hate every single fiber of our being. So, first, embrace that "thing." And go you for having that "thing"! 

Now, there are many many many things that I do not like, maybe even hate, about myself. 

For starters, I have always had a pretty bad overbite. Growing up, my little buck teeth were always something that I didn't necessarily care for and so I begged for braces for YEARS. Fun fact, I used to take a piece of gum, chew it up and put it over my teeth and pretend they were braces and hope that somehow this would fix my overbite LOL WHAT? So, finally in 7th grade my mom got me braces. My overbite was fixed, 90%. Guess who still has a baby overbite? It's me! I do! Sometimes, I even get compared to as a horse. That's fun. That's a real good time. But, you know what's really funny, people tell me all the time that I have a beautiful smile. People tell me they're jealous of how straight my teeth are (haha jokes on them bc my bottom teeth are crooked as frick bc my dog ate my retainer right before I left for college). But you know what? I am actually blessed to have had braces as there are so many people out there who can't even go to the dentist. Who am I to complain about a baby overbite when there are people out these with rotting teeth who can't. even. see. a. dentist. 

wow

Maybe getting over insecurities starts with being thankful for them. Mind blown. 

Moving on.

I could go on and on about every little thing I hate about my body, but I'm going to take you through one more and I chose this one because it has got to be on the top 10 list of things people are insecure about. Maybe even number one.

You guessed it, my weight. Trigger warning**

You guys, I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was chunky. I was overweight, I was not healthy. I wasn't active and I ate junk food all the time. But, when I was younger, I honestly didn't give a flip about my weight. I didn't want to make changes and I was honestly very content with the way I felt and how I looked. 

Then, middle school came. Maybe even 5th grade, and I started to develop crushes on boys, and was always rejected. And I noticed that these boys were "dating" girls that were skinny. This made me want to be skinny. At this same time, my parents took me to the doctor to talk about my weight because they were worried about my health. I was ready to change my habits and I thought by eating celery and going on walks, that I would be skinny like those girls in my class. 

Well, guess what. These are things like BODY TYPES that don't make this easy. And I never have been, and never will be, skinny like those girls. BC I AM CURVY. And I realize now, that's ok. Then, my mental health took a turn for the worst and I could not understand what was wrong with me. 

I began to barely eat, like maybe 500 calories a day. I was obsessed with tracking every food I ate and obsessed with working out. I lost a little weight, but was never where I wanted to be. High school came around and these feelings got worse, but thankfully I had a great support system that helped me through these feelings. I started running cross country to LOSE WEIGHT. Not the best reason to join a sports team, but I am so glad I did. With this, I got more comfortable eating again. I ate more, I wasn't obsessed with what I ate and I was healthy. Running made me feel OK. I knew I was doing something good for my body and was no longer stepping on the scale every single day. Thankfully this cured my mindset. But, the point is not to start running if you're insecure about your weight. The point is to find something to cope with your insecurities. Meditate, read a devotional every day, when you're mind starts to go to a dark place PRAY. Because I do not run all the time now and here's how I am coping with my weight insecurities. 

After high school I stopped running. I wish I didn't because it is one of those things that is so hard to get back into, but I was injured and after I was healed I just couldn't find the motivation. Once I went to college, I was on my own, making my own decisions. Making my own meals, deciding whether or not I was going to eat a salad or McDonalds. A lot of times, I chose McDonalds. Not going to lie. And I did gain weight. I gained about 15 pounds in my 3 and a half years in college. Whoof. But, mentally, I am so much healthier than I was 15 pounds ago. I find balance, I eat a cheeseburger when I want one, I try to drink a lot of water, I try to exercise. But, I am not obsessed with every little decision I make anymore. It's all about living in the moment. Taking each day and doing the things that you enjoy without overindulging yourself.

To be honest with you, I still want to lose weight. There are still moments when I start to fall back into a dark place mentally and begin to regret something I ate that day or how little I am going to eat the next day, and this is because these are things I have thought for 10 years. It doesn't just go away over night. It's a process. Healing is a process. And if you're stuck somewhere over an insecurity, no matter what it is, it will take time to find peace with that insecurity. But that's ok. 

There are many people who tell me they wish they had my curves, when I wish I had their thin figure. The problem is the way that we compare ourselves to others. This is where it all stems from. When we go on social media and see other girls living the life you want, looking a certain way, we start to question ourselves. 

I took some pictures for graduation the other day. We only took a few because it was crowded but there were 40 total. I only liked 4. 

This is an unedited version of a picture that at first I loved and then I started picking it apart. My arms looked fat, my cheeks look huge, my hair too thick. But where did these nit picks come from? Probably all the other senior pictures I have seen on my Instagram feed. They were flawless, perfect even. And here's me. Just meh. 

We all fight our battles. And just because I am insecure about something on me does not mean I think you should be insecure about the same thing on you. It's MY inner demons that make ME insecure about ME. When girls skinnier than me would complain about their weight I used to get angry. But as I grew up, I realized that they are really struggling within and that does not make them judge me for something they are insecure about. 

Point is, we all have these insecurities. We all fight them every single day. And although I can't heal you myself, I do hope you find a way to cope with them and don't let them destroy you. It's ok to be different. It's ok to be bigger, smaller, taller, lighter, darker whatever than others. IT'S OK. Embrace these things about you. Confidence starts within. Lift others up and you too will be lifted. Tear yourself down and you bring everyone else with you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You've fought a long hard battle to be where you are today and I just want you to feel beautiful. Do whatever it takes to get your mind there. Because guess what, in your own, unique way, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Remember that. 

Make insecurities your BISH. 

xoxo, 

Aubs.