Dear Diary #2

May 29, 2017

"A year ago today I woke up in the Heartbreak Hotel wondering where I would be in a year from then. All together, I would impress myself, but today, specifically, I wouldn't be too thrilled. 
   A form of depression, hurt. Selfishness. I've been sad. Where's me? Why is everything getting to me? Where's God?
   **** told me my priorities are out of whack & I thought they were just being mean, but they're right. Everything I do needs to be for God's glory, not mine. 
    (I go on to talk about how I was arguing with my parents at this time & felt really alone).
     Work has been tough on me. My motivation kind of went away but I am determined to work out and eat better. That will make me feel better too. 

----Don't let the small things get to you."



03/12/2020

OK. Did I already mention that everything above is straight from my old journal? The only thing I changed was I took out some stuff with my parents because #toopersonal. LOL. I am very transparent about my struggles though. So, let's dive in. 

I feel like at this point I had just moved out of my dorm and into a little house with two other roommates. I loved my roommates. They made living there so easy and I was comfortable which is very important. 

I like this entry though, because it outlines that I knew something was wrong. It took me a long time but I finally realized that I was not OK. But, sometimes it's OK to not be OK. It can be humbling. 

I did not get along with my parents as I was in this rebellious stage. I was 19 years old and thought I ruled the world. Why would I take any advice or hard lessons from my PARENTS? Well, I will tell you all right now, if you are currently in some type of disagreement with your parents, swallow your pride and make it up to them. Just trust me when I say, they know best. They really do. 

Anyways, I found my priorities to be out of whack a lot in life. Even still today. Always worried about work or school and not calling home enough. Focused on tomorrow and not today. Just little things that can make a big impact. So, something to help with this is to get out a piece of paper and write down what you think should be your priorities (family, God, school etc) in order. Then on the other side write down what your priorities really are (social media, drinking, friends). Then figure out how to get from where you are to where you want to be and MAKE THOSE CHANGES. #lifechanger

So yes, depression is having no motivation. It's being moody. It's having everything you want and still feeling down. Yes, I am still depressed in this part of my life. I am not going to sugar coat it and say it was a bad day. I was just depressed. And it took time to get away from that, but in this season of my life I was willing to finally make some changes and admit I was wrong and that something was wrong. Depression wasn't only affecting me anymore, it was affecting the people around me and my job and that's when I knew ISH had to change. Again, it takes time, but this is the start of my mental healing!!!! This is exciting! And if you're going through something similar, I hope this gets you on the right track too!

Oh and yes that was a little part of my mental health issues with my weight creeping back in :-) Woo I'm a mess

Yay for slow healing!



MAKE DEPRESSION YOUR BISH


xoxo, 


Aubs