I Developed Something Strange. I think it's Called Anxiety?

     

     I started college in August of 2016. Florida Gulf Coast University. Wanna know why I chose this school? Well, to be honest I hate making decisions and this happened to be the first school I toured. So, naturally, I picked it. Really boring story, I know. Anyways, my life changed, a lot. I left with a giddy soul and hopeful heart. I didn't know what to expect. I do know that I was very excited about the college boys. Point is, I expected college to be like the movies. That old, brick university feel(that yes, a lot of schools have)crazy dorm nights, people everywhere all the time, groups that I would be a part of. Well, shocker, my experience was not like this, at all. 

     Before leaving for school, I daydreamed about all the great things college would bring. I didn't think about the early morning nights where I would call my dad while he was on his way to work telling him I wanted to drop out. That it was too much. That I always felt overwhelmed and stressed. I worried about things that weren't in my control. I felt trapped and lonely and I just wanted to go home. And then, I would wake up the next day and feel fine, just to have this whole cycle happen all over again the next day. 

     My social media followers thought I was having the time of my life. 

     At the time, I thought I was just being emotional, dramatic. But now I know, this is anxiety. 

     Coping with anxiety is weird. Just like anything else, when it's left untreated, it gets worse. And that's just what happened. I became full time at my job, the place where I really wanted my career in. I knew I could handle both full time school and work and I did, for about 10 months. Then, it hit me. Like a mother freaking train. Ugh I hate sharing this story because I am honestly so ashamed of it. 

     I went on birth control in September 2017. This specific one did not go well with my body and my anxiety/depression intensified. Funny thing is, the reason I went on it in the first place was to help fix my anxiety. After going on the pill, I couldn't sleep but didn't want to get out of bed all day. I didn't want to talk to friends, family, coworkers but I was afraid to be alone at the same time. I cried at work, I cried after work, I skipped class, I failed classes. I thought my world was ending. I would go to church, feel better for a day and go right back into my funk. I dropped to part time at work thinking it would fix all my problems. It made them worse. I was now dealing with all of these things AND now regret. It sucked. 

     Long story short, it took me to realize that something was really wrong to fix the issue. I tried different things to cope with my anxiety/depression and some worked some didn't. 

      Some things that worked for me:

       - meditating

       - talking to family

       - going on walks

       - journaling

     Oh and going off birth control.

     These things don't work for everyone, but it's all about trying different things out and seeing what works for you. I would do these things every single day. Gradually, I felt better, stronger. February 2019 I went back to full time and got out of my toxic living situation. Most importantly, I got myself back. See? This story has a happy ending. 

     We're all human, and we are going to fail and have to learn to get back up instead of staying down. It's about taking each day one at a time. When things get tough and when you start to overthink, ask yourself, "So what?" What if I fail this test? So what? I study my butt off for the next one. Bam. 

     I know I'm all over the place, but this is me. This is my experience, my story. And my goal with all of this? To just make one person know they are not alone. The show always goes on. 

     Inhale,

         Exhale. 

Make anxiety your BISH.

xoxo, 

Aubs